The elusive moment

The other night while at work in the middle of a 12 hour shift for me, 16 hour shift for my lpn, we started talking randomly like we always do when we start getting really tired and hit the wall. We got onto the topic of people feeling that “magical moment” where they just know that the person they are with is “the one”. Neither of us have ever felt that in our 33 years of life. We’ve never even came close. We seem to date guys that are unattainable in a sense. Ones that will never settle down, never truly love you, never truly care. Yet after all these years, we haven’t changed our taste in men.

But is there really that magical moment? Do people actually feel that? Do they actually meet their person and are able to build a beautiful life together? Is that even something that can happen with how people treat each other now a days? Maybe I’m just missing something. Maybe I’m just missing the social cues of someone truly caring for me and chasing the guys who don’t.

And then I start to think because what else is there to do at 3am in the middle of a long shift. What if I don’t want that magical moment? Even though I do want the happily ever after fairy tale love story that I’ll never admit to anyone. I just don’t hear anyone talk about finding their person anymore. They are with someone who treats them ok and works, so that seems to be enough. Have we lowered our standards over the years? I just don’t have the answers. And tonight I seem to need answers. Answers to questions that I know are impossible or just won’t get answered.

Ice cream and Grey’s

I’m sitting here eating my 8 year olds ice cream while watching Grey’s Anatomy. I’m not fully paying attention because all I can think about right now is completely changing my life. Anyone within a 100 mile radius of me can see how miserable I am. I hate my job. I hate the hours I work. I hate how much I have to work. I hate feeling inhuman because of the hours I work. My relationship has me walking in eggshells. Everytime we argue, I’m terrified that he will either break up with me or do something that would make me want to break up with him.

I need a new job. But since I dropped out of college, my choice of jobs are limited. I can get help from the state but then I’ll have to stop paying some bills and ruin my credit score that I’ve worked so hard to get back up. I need a job that pays way more than minimum wage and has a chance for overtime if necessary. I should also consider ending my relationship. Walking on eggshells shouldn’t be a part of my relationship. I shouldn’t always be stressed about us. He should be my safe haven. My place of love and trust. But he’s not always that for me. He can be that but he doesn’t always try and I don’t always accept it.

I know that relationships aren’t easy and they take a lot of work, but this is becoming too much. It’s been too much. I can tell he’s feeling it too. He won’t say it though. He will just act out and push me away. It’s his mo. He doesn’t know how to be alone. I do. I’m ok with being alone. I’d just rather have someone by my side. I just wish he would want to be by my side.

At the end of the day, I know I have some big choices to make. Choices that scare the shit out of me. Choices that I wish I didn’t have to make.

Sometimes we get busy

My oldest(D) is staying with his dad for a few days while I have my youngest(J). D and J have been fighting non stop all week. So we decided it’d be best to give them a break. J is 8 but still needs a lot of attention. He loves to interact with me. Loves to read, do puzzles and play make believe. I love that he still wants to do these things with me. He’s my baby and I know the day is coming that he won’t want to do these things.

Today my bf had a rough day. He needed to talk to me. We were texting and he was telling me what was going on. I couldn’t respond for a few minutes because J hurt himself. So I had to check on him and calm him down. I was gone maybe 3 minutes, if that. By the time I got back to my phone to text him back, he had already responded “thanks for the talk” being sarcastic. I apologized and said I had to deal with J. He said it’s fine, he will be ok and deal with it. I said I’m here now. But he wouldn’t talk to me anymore about it. I pretty much told him he’s being childish. That I just had to step away for a few minutes. I get that he needed me, but we have a rule. Kids come first. So it’s frustrating that he’s acting this way. It’s frustrating that he’s now not talking to me at all.

We are supposed to be grown. We are supposed to be breaking old habits and communicating better with each other. This is not communicating. This is being childish. I have my kids pretty much full time. He doesn’t. He gets his kids every other weekend. My kids are kids. They still play and use their imagination and want to interact with me. His kids are mini adults even though they are the same age as mine. We’ve raised our kids very differently. So we do butt heads on how things should be done. So even after 3 years, he still gets upset with me when my kids need my attention more. We’ve had this argument so many times. It’s old. I’m over it.

My child was hurt. It’s not like I walked away from the conversation to watch TV or play a game on my phone. My child needed me. My bf needed me. I went back to our conversation as soon as I could. And it still wasn’t enough. I just don’t know what else I can do. I don’t know what more I can do. I think a lot that he wishes I didn’t have kids so that my attention can fully be on him. No distractions. He knew I had kids from day one. He knew that I had them full time and they came first. I just wish he would grow up and stop being so childish. I shouldn’t have to apologise for taking care of my kids. I shouldn’t have to feel bad about putting them first. I shouldn’t have to worry about how that makes him feel. He’s a dad. He puts his kids first all the time. That’s how it should be. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just wish things were different with us. I wish I didn’t have to have these conversations and worries. I wish things were different.

I’m tired

I’m tired of not sleeping well.

I’m tired of constantly wondering who you’re talking to.

I’m tired of trying to find ways to look through your phone.

I’m tired of working so many hours just to barely make my bills.

I’m tired of constantly worrying about my food, drink and med intake because of my kidney.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m not seen.

I’m tired of my kids always fighting.

I’m tired of my kids not appreciating what I am able to give them.

I’m tired of not being heard.

I’m tired of never being enough.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m not enough.

I’m tired of the fights.

I’m tired of the half hugs.

I’m tired of the barely I love yous.

I’m tired of dreaming of running away and never looking back.

I’m just tired. A tired that sleep can’t fix. A tired that meds can’t fix. A tired that I can’t seem to fix. I am just tired.

The one thing I rarely talk about

We all have something that we don’t talk about. Maybe a select few people in your life knows about it or maybe everyone knows. But it never gets talked about. It’s an unspoken rule that if you don’t bring it up, then they don’t either. Mine is that I have an eating disorder. I’ve been dealing with anorexia since I was 19. I wasn’t overweight then. I probably didn’t even have an ounce of fat on me. I didn’t think I was fat. I was just stressed and depressed. I felt like I had zero control of anything going on in my life.

I was married. Going to college full time to be an RN. Working full time. Living with my parents. My husband had just returned from deployment. He refused to get a job. He was dealing with the trauma of war and everything that comes with it. I was his punching bag. He took everything out on me. He verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused me. I took it all. I told no one. So I controlled the one thing that no one could take away from me. I stopped eating. In 2 short months I went from 100lbs down to 80. I’m only 4’11.

It was very easy to not eat. It was easy to say I had a headache or just wasn’t feeling well. I loved having that control. I loved that I finally felt like I had something that couldn’t be taken away from me. I ate very little over the next few months. But then I found out I was pregnant. So I started eating. I put on 60lbs that pregnancy. But once I had my child, it started again. The reasoning behind my eating disorder changed though. I started seeing myself as fat, disgusting, unworthy of care and love. So I stopped eating. It would only last a few days at a time. But I’d always go back to not eating.

It’s been 14 years now. I still have an eating disorder. I still have days, weeks, months, where I don’t eat like I should. Where I look in the mirror and see disgust. I see fat where there isn’t. I see rolls where there isn’t. Or my life feels like it is so out of control and chaotic, so I stop eating. I grab hold of the one thing people can’t take away from me. It’s a constant uphill battle for me. I’m currently 88lbs. I’m on an antidepressant that is helping some but it also has a side affect if weight gain. I had gotten up to 92lbs and I was scared. Scared of what I looked like at that weight. So I stopped eating and got back down to my current weight.

Should I be seeing a therapist about this? Yes. But I’m not ready. Will I ever be? Doubtful. My bf does know about this. We don’t talk about it often. He would like me to see someone about it. He wants me to seek help and be happy and healthy. But he also knows he can’t force that on me. He’s a nurse so he knows all about eating disorders. So he supports me the best way he knows how and how I need to be supported. It’s all I can ask for. Someone to support me. I’m one of the lucky ones. I have someone to lean on. Not many do. They are battling their disorders on their own. They are scared and have no one to turn to. All I can do right now is continue working on myself and lean on the people that care about me. It’s all I’ve got right now and I’m pretty blessed to have that.

I don’t even know

Today has been a day and it’s not even over yet. I’m in the middle of a 16 hour shift. The first 8 hours were just crazy. Nonstop on my feet. Everyone needs something. Everyone is upset. Everyone is yelling. My best is not good enough. Me being nice isn’t good enough. It’s one of those days where I hate my job. I’m doing my best and yet it’s not enough for them. It never will be.

I missed my kids birthday party. Thankfully he’s not too upset with me. But still. I should’ve been there with him celebrating. My bf is upset with me because I didn’t go back to his place after work this morning. I needed a quiet place to sleep before I came back in less than 8 hours later for a 16 hour shift. His house isn’t quiet when his kids are there. They can be loud and he doesn’t try to quiet them down. So I went back to my place to sleep uninterrupted. I just keep disappointing everyone even when I’m not trying to. They ask me to take better care of myself. So I do. Then they get pissed because I’m not doing it their way. It’s one of those days when I have to just say fuck what everyone else says and just do me. Do my job, take care of my kids and myself and let that be enough.

That’s so much easier said than done though. I’m a people pleaser. I want to make people happy. I want people to approve and be happy of my choices. I know how completely unrealistic that is but I can’t stop thinking that way. I just want people to be proud of me. Proud of the choices I’ve made. Proud of how far I’ve come. I just need to hear the words.

Tomorrow had to be a better day. It just had to be. So when 7am rolls around, I’m clocking out. Going straight to bed and going to wake up in a better mood. With a better mindset. I have to. I need to.

It can’t just be me

We’re both single parents. We both work 3rd shift. We live in different towns. We have different nights off. Making time for each other is a daily struggle. But it can’t just be me trying. It can’t just be my fault if we don’t have time together. I have to work more hours. My job is more physically demanding. His is more mentally demanding but much higher pay. I don’t knock him for that. He’s earned it. He’s worked so hard to get where he’s at. But I’m just starting out. So I’m at the bottom. Making peanuts. Working excruciating hours to just make it.

Because of who I am, I feel the need to apologise for having to work so many hours. But in reality, I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have to apologise for working hard, paying my own bills, taking care of my kids and myself. I shouldn’t have to apologise because I need sleep. We have our kids on opposite days. So when you have yours, I’m working. Kids are loud. Kids are loud when I’m trying to sleep. Sleep is so hard to come by. I’m not being rude by saying this. But I need sleep. I need uninterrupted sleep. You do as well. I don’t knock you for your sleep needs. Please don’t get mad at me for mine.

If I have to cut our time short for sleep or work, don’t get mad. Don’t think that I would rather be working than spending time with you. It’s not all on me. You can find time on your free days to spend time with me. Effort goes both ways. It can’t just be me. The relationship can’t just be on me. I can’t always be the reason something doesn’t work out. It’s not fair to put it all on my shoulders. We’re partners. We work together. We figure it out together. Atleast that’s what I thought we should be doing. Maybe I’m wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time. But I’m tired. It can’t just be all on me.