All I want

Is to wake up next to someone everyday. The same person. One person. Everyday. Because it’s their bed as well. Because they love me. Because they want to be with me. Because they want to grow old with me. It’s all I want. I just want someone to want that as well. I need someone. And I so hate that I do.

It’s been awhile

I haven’t posted in awhile. Not that I haven’t had much to say. I’ve just had so much to say and no idea how to put it into words. I broke up with my bf. He didn’t even fight for me. He didn’t even ask why. He didn’t care. He let me walk away. Not going to lie, it hurts that he let me just walk away. That he didn’t even try to see if there was anything he could do. He just proved to me that he was never fully committed to us. He truly didn’t love me. He truly didn’t want us.

It hurts. I wish it didn’t, but it does. But it makes moving on with my life that much easier. How could I be with someone who wouldn’t fight for me? For us? I did the right thing. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. Who wants to know why things are not working out and what needs to be done to try and fix it. I’m not ready for a relationship. I need to figure out what I did wrong in the relationship as well and work on that. We both made mistakes. I don’t want to repeat those mistakes. I want to be a better person for myself and my future bf.

I am talking to someone else. He’s really nice. He seems to have a big heart and seems to be someone I could care for. But I have to take it very slow. I don’t want to rush anything. I want to be honest with him and let him know I’m not ready. He understands but he’s ready for a relationship. I need some time. I guess time will tell. And time is what I need. Time. It’s what I need.

Is this what freedom feels like?

I stopped taking my antidepressant about 2 weeks ago. One of the side effects was becoming too much. So I talked with my doctor and he okayed me stopping it. We will start a new one on my next appointment next month. Since stopping the meds, I feel a sense of freedom. Like freedom to be happy and to be me and to do what makes me happy regardless of how it makes others feel.

I dyed and cut my hair, I got Snapchat. I’m going to talk to my bf and end our relationship. I sent out an application for a new job. And I feel ok with all of this. Is it too much change at once? I won’t know until it all happens. But what I do know is that I am miserable where I’m at in my life. My job is killing my soul. My bf has my anxiety and depression so high because I can’t trust him. He’s always lying and hiding stuff from me and we’ve haven’t moved forward in our relationship very much for the 3.5 years we’ve been together.

I just feel a sense of freedom to do what makes me happy. To not worry what others think of my decisions. To do what’s best for my kids and I. Will I miss my coworkers that have turned into friends? Sure will. Will I miss the good days that I had with my bf? Sure will. I’ll probably always love him. I was hoping he was going to be the one. The one to finally treat me right. The one to love me for me and respect me. But he’s not. I can’t change that. I can’t make him into someone he’s not. I’ve given him 3.5 years of my life and nothing has changed. I’ve just stopped trying so damn hard to dig through his personal shit so that I can call him out on the lies and bullshit.

I want my life back. I want my happiness back. I want my freedom back. And I feel like I’m going in the right direction. I feel like all of this change is happening for a reason. God wouldn’t be giving me these opportunities and feelings if he didn’t think I was ready. A tleast I hope so. I’m pretty new to truly and deeply believing in Him. So I still have my moments where I doubt Him or I doubt the signs he gives me. But I feel this sense of freedom, sense of happiness, soul deep. So it must be from Him. It must be His sign saying you got this. You are ready. Just take the leap.

I know it’s going to hurt. I know I am going to struggle with the changes and losing one of my best friends. But I also know, I need to do this. I deserve happiness. I deserve respect. I deserve love and honesty and faithfulness. It’s sad that it’s taken me so long to realize all of this. But I am so glad I am finally getting there and finally doing something about this. Now I just need to keep moving forward. Don’t go back, like I always do. Keep moving forward. Keep praying. Keep believing that He has my back and is taking care of me like he always has.

I don’t know where to go from here

I’ve been here before. Questioning my relationship. Wondering how long one fights til it’s over. Wondering how long is long enough. Wondering if it’s considered giving up after 3 years. After 3 years, not much has changed. After 3 years, his life is still the same. You wouldn’t even know I was a part of it. My life on the other hand, it’s changed so much but yet it hasn’t. I’m living 2 lives. One week, I’m with him and my kids are with their dad. The other week, I’m with my kids and I don’t see him. He doesn’t stay over. He doesn’t stop by. He might call on his way to work.

My life is the same as it was years ago when I was unhappily married. It’s the same issues, just with someone new. There’s no trust. There’s no honesty. There’s no communication. If I want to know what’s going on his life, I have to ask his kids or his co-workers. They always know first. He doesn’t even think to tell me. I’m not important enough to know. I’ve never been important to him. I’m just here. For what, I have no idea. I’m just here. Taking up space.

It’s not the same

It’s extremely frustrating that he thinks we have the same arrangements with our kids. Him having his kids every other weekend is the not the same as having them 50/50. He doesn’t have to pay for school clothes, groceries, activities. He doesn’t have to wake them up everyday and make sure they get to school. He doesn’t have to do homework, get them to afterschool activities, make dinner, make sure they shower and then get to bed at a half decent hour. He then doesn’t have to clean up the days mess and worry about the next day. He doesn’t have to worry about who is going to watch the kids while he’s at work. He doesn’t have to worry who will watch the kids if they are sick or he’s sick. He doesn’t have to worry if he is able to call off work to stay home with the sick kids. He doesn’t have to worry about if he can even afford to call off.

He has no worries. His ex has these worries. She has to do it all on her own. Like me. Her and I have to rely on our parents to help because thankfully we have them to help. No one else is stepping up to help. Never thought there’d be a day where I would relate to his ex. But here I am doing just that. Being a parent is a full time job. It’s 24/7. But he chose to not be that. He chose the easy way out and only have his kids every now and then so he can still live his life. It doesn’t work that way when you have kids. You put your life aside and raise your kids. You put them first.

He doesn’t though. He puts himself first. Always has. I put my kids first. Always have and always will. We are two very different people. He stresses how he’s going to buy a new a toy for himself. I stress about how I’m going to pay my bills, buy the things the boys need. I stress about how I’m going to work more hours and still find time for my kids and find time to get sleep. Our arrangements are very different. Our worries are very different. It’s frustrating and maddening that he thinks we have the same worries. He’s downplaying how hard I have to work to make sure my kids have everything they need. It’s disrespectful to all parents who are busting their ass to take care of their kids while he just sits back and watches his ex do it all.

Parenting is hard

The other day, I lost it on my kids. I love them dearly but they had me at the end of my rope. As much as I hate writing this, that night I hated my kids. They were fighting non stop. They wouldn’t listen. They wouldn’t pick up after themselves. They wouldn’t eat the dinner that I cooked that wasn’t frozen or take out. I finally had some energy to cook them an actual meal and they wouldn’t eat it. There were two things on each of their plates that they liked and they still wouldn’t eat it. I was done. I yelled at them. I called them ungrateful. I was not the mom they needed that night. I was not the mom I was proud of.

Just like us, kids have bad days. They have days where everything is just too much for them and they have no idea how to process it all. But instead of me helping them through it all, I yelled at them. I made them even more upset, more confused. I just made it worse for them. They went to bed mad at me that night. No hugs, no kisses, no I love yous from them. I’m not proud of that night. They deserved a better mom.

I went to work after they were in bed at my parents. I prayed for a better day the following day. I prayed for more patience, more understanding and less fighting. This time it worked. When I got them up for school, they were different kids. I was a different mom. We all just needed a night to think and pray. I got my hugs, kisses and I love yous before they went to school. When they came home, homework was done, messes were picked up, dinner was ate and they said thank you. I listened to them. I hugged them. I apologized to them. I told them I will always love them. It was a new day for all of us.

I’m not proud of that night. I never am when we have nights like this. I won’t lie and say we’ve never had a night like that before. There’s no point. We’ve had multiple nights like that. But we all prayed for a better day and we got that. Kids are human as well. They have bad days just like us. And that’s ok. We just need to learn to take a step back and realize that instead of punishing them for having bad days. I’m still learning this. I’m still trying to parent them when they have bad days. Just like I’m still trying to handle my bad days appropriately. The kids and I are growing up together. We are learning together. At the end of the day, we’re family and we have feelings.

Surprise…life doesn’t always go your way

At the beginning of the week, I got my first uti. I’m one of the lucky few women who has never had one til now. I did the right thing. I upped my fluids and called my Dr. They got me in the next day. Prescribed me an antibiotic and sent me on my way. It was only for 3 days, so by Friday morning, I had taken all of them. My symptoms didn’t really subside and new ones popped up. I knew my uti had turned into a kidney infection.

Thankfully, my Dr was able to squeeze me that day. Come to find out, the antibiotic they put me on wouldn’t have worked anyways. So no surprise I got new symptoms. But I did everything right. I called my Dr. I drank more water. I took my antibiotic exactly how I should. And yet I still got a kidney infection. I had to call off work. My back pain was awful. I was feeling light-headed and nauseous. My temp was going up. I had to call off work. So I am now out my sign up bonus for the overtime I signed up for. And I’ve lost 8 hours of overtime.

I did everything right. And I still lost. I know that’s just a part of life. Shit goes wrong no matter how hard you try to prevent it from happening. But that doesn’t mean I’m not pissed and frustrated. I’ve had kidney problems. I’ve had them since a surgery went wrong 4.5 years ago. It doesn’t get any easier. Each time I get a kidney infection I get frustrated over my situation. A situation that makes me lose out on hours and work and time with my family. I do my best to prevent them, but this is real life. Life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. So I have to find a way to suck it up and deal with it in a healthy way. I’m still looking for that healthy way. But I’m getting closer.