I’m sitting here eating my 8 year olds ice cream while watching Grey’s Anatomy. I’m not fully paying attention because all I can think about right now is completely changing my life. Anyone within a 100 mile radius of me can see how miserable I am. I hate my job. I hate the hours I work. I hate how much I have to work. I hate feeling inhuman because of the hours I work. My relationship has me walking in eggshells. Everytime we argue, I’m terrified that he will either break up with me or do something that would make me want to break up with him.
I need a new job. But since I dropped out of college, my choice of jobs are limited. I can get help from the state but then I’ll have to stop paying some bills and ruin my credit score that I’ve worked so hard to get back up. I need a job that pays way more than minimum wage and has a chance for overtime if necessary. I should also consider ending my relationship. Walking on eggshells shouldn’t be a part of my relationship. I shouldn’t always be stressed about us. He should be my safe haven. My place of love and trust. But he’s not always that for me. He can be that but he doesn’t always try and I don’t always accept it.
I know that relationships aren’t easy and they take a lot of work, but this is becoming too much. It’s been too much. I can tell he’s feeling it too. He won’t say it though. He will just act out and push me away. It’s his mo. He doesn’t know how to be alone. I do. I’m ok with being alone. I’d just rather have someone by my side. I just wish he would want to be by my side.
At the end of the day, I know I have some big choices to make. Choices that scare the shit out of me. Choices that I wish I didn’t have to make.