I don’t know where to go from here

I’ve been here before. Questioning my relationship. Wondering how long one fights til it’s over. Wondering how long is long enough. Wondering if it’s considered giving up after 3 years. After 3 years, not much has changed. After 3 years, his life is still the same. You wouldn’t even know I was a part of it. My life on the other hand, it’s changed so much but yet it hasn’t. I’m living 2 lives. One week, I’m with him and my kids are with their dad. The other week, I’m with my kids and I don’t see him. He doesn’t stay over. He doesn’t stop by. He might call on his way to work.

My life is the same as it was years ago when I was unhappily married. It’s the same issues, just with someone new. There’s no trust. There’s no honesty. There’s no communication. If I want to know what’s going on his life, I have to ask his kids or his co-workers. They always know first. He doesn’t even think to tell me. I’m not important enough to know. I’ve never been important to him. I’m just here. For what, I have no idea. I’m just here. Taking up space.

It’s not the same

It’s extremely frustrating that he thinks we have the same arrangements with our kids. Him having his kids every other weekend is the not the same as having them 50/50. He doesn’t have to pay for school clothes, groceries, activities. He doesn’t have to wake them up everyday and make sure they get to school. He doesn’t have to do homework, get them to afterschool activities, make dinner, make sure they shower and then get to bed at a half decent hour. He then doesn’t have to clean up the days mess and worry about the next day. He doesn’t have to worry about who is going to watch the kids while he’s at work. He doesn’t have to worry who will watch the kids if they are sick or he’s sick. He doesn’t have to worry if he is able to call off work to stay home with the sick kids. He doesn’t have to worry about if he can even afford to call off.

He has no worries. His ex has these worries. She has to do it all on her own. Like me. Her and I have to rely on our parents to help because thankfully we have them to help. No one else is stepping up to help. Never thought there’d be a day where I would relate to his ex. But here I am doing just that. Being a parent is a full time job. It’s 24/7. But he chose to not be that. He chose the easy way out and only have his kids every now and then so he can still live his life. It doesn’t work that way when you have kids. You put your life aside and raise your kids. You put them first.

He doesn’t though. He puts himself first. Always has. I put my kids first. Always have and always will. We are two very different people. He stresses how he’s going to buy a new a toy for himself. I stress about how I’m going to pay my bills, buy the things the boys need. I stress about how I’m going to work more hours and still find time for my kids and find time to get sleep. Our arrangements are very different. Our worries are very different. It’s frustrating and maddening that he thinks we have the same worries. He’s downplaying how hard I have to work to make sure my kids have everything they need. It’s disrespectful to all parents who are busting their ass to take care of their kids while he just sits back and watches his ex do it all.

Parenting is hard

The other day, I lost it on my kids. I love them dearly but they had me at the end of my rope. As much as I hate writing this, that night I hated my kids. They were fighting non stop. They wouldn’t listen. They wouldn’t pick up after themselves. They wouldn’t eat the dinner that I cooked that wasn’t frozen or take out. I finally had some energy to cook them an actual meal and they wouldn’t eat it. There were two things on each of their plates that they liked and they still wouldn’t eat it. I was done. I yelled at them. I called them ungrateful. I was not the mom they needed that night. I was not the mom I was proud of.

Just like us, kids have bad days. They have days where everything is just too much for them and they have no idea how to process it all. But instead of me helping them through it all, I yelled at them. I made them even more upset, more confused. I just made it worse for them. They went to bed mad at me that night. No hugs, no kisses, no I love yous from them. I’m not proud of that night. They deserved a better mom.

I went to work after they were in bed at my parents. I prayed for a better day the following day. I prayed for more patience, more understanding and less fighting. This time it worked. When I got them up for school, they were different kids. I was a different mom. We all just needed a night to think and pray. I got my hugs, kisses and I love yous before they went to school. When they came home, homework was done, messes were picked up, dinner was ate and they said thank you. I listened to them. I hugged them. I apologized to them. I told them I will always love them. It was a new day for all of us.

I’m not proud of that night. I never am when we have nights like this. I won’t lie and say we’ve never had a night like that before. There’s no point. We’ve had multiple nights like that. But we all prayed for a better day and we got that. Kids are human as well. They have bad days just like us. And that’s ok. We just need to learn to take a step back and realize that instead of punishing them for having bad days. I’m still learning this. I’m still trying to parent them when they have bad days. Just like I’m still trying to handle my bad days appropriately. The kids and I are growing up together. We are learning together. At the end of the day, we’re family and we have feelings.

Surprise…life doesn’t always go your way

At the beginning of the week, I got my first uti. I’m one of the lucky few women who has never had one til now. I did the right thing. I upped my fluids and called my Dr. They got me in the next day. Prescribed me an antibiotic and sent me on my way. It was only for 3 days, so by Friday morning, I had taken all of them. My symptoms didn’t really subside and new ones popped up. I knew my uti had turned into a kidney infection.

Thankfully, my Dr was able to squeeze me that day. Come to find out, the antibiotic they put me on wouldn’t have worked anyways. So no surprise I got new symptoms. But I did everything right. I called my Dr. I drank more water. I took my antibiotic exactly how I should. And yet I still got a kidney infection. I had to call off work. My back pain was awful. I was feeling light-headed and nauseous. My temp was going up. I had to call off work. So I am now out my sign up bonus for the overtime I signed up for. And I’ve lost 8 hours of overtime.

I did everything right. And I still lost. I know that’s just a part of life. Shit goes wrong no matter how hard you try to prevent it from happening. But that doesn’t mean I’m not pissed and frustrated. I’ve had kidney problems. I’ve had them since a surgery went wrong 4.5 years ago. It doesn’t get any easier. Each time I get a kidney infection I get frustrated over my situation. A situation that makes me lose out on hours and work and time with my family. I do my best to prevent them, but this is real life. Life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. So I have to find a way to suck it up and deal with it in a healthy way. I’m still looking for that healthy way. But I’m getting closer.

The elusive moment

The other night while at work in the middle of a 12 hour shift for me, 16 hour shift for my lpn, we started talking randomly like we always do when we start getting really tired and hit the wall. We got onto the topic of people feeling that “magical moment” where they just know that the person they are with is “the one”. Neither of us have ever felt that in our 33 years of life. We’ve never even came close. We seem to date guys that are unattainable in a sense. Ones that will never settle down, never truly love you, never truly care. Yet after all these years, we haven’t changed our taste in men.

But is there really that magical moment? Do people actually feel that? Do they actually meet their person and are able to build a beautiful life together? Is that even something that can happen with how people treat each other now a days? Maybe I’m just missing something. Maybe I’m just missing the social cues of someone truly caring for me and chasing the guys who don’t.

And then I start to think because what else is there to do at 3am in the middle of a long shift. What if I don’t want that magical moment? Even though I do want the happily ever after fairy tale love story that I’ll never admit to anyone. I just don’t hear anyone talk about finding their person anymore. They are with someone who treats them ok and works, so that seems to be enough. Have we lowered our standards over the years? I just don’t have the answers. And tonight I seem to need answers. Answers to questions that I know are impossible or just won’t get answered.

Ice cream and Grey’s

I’m sitting here eating my 8 year olds ice cream while watching Grey’s Anatomy. I’m not fully paying attention because all I can think about right now is completely changing my life. Anyone within a 100 mile radius of me can see how miserable I am. I hate my job. I hate the hours I work. I hate how much I have to work. I hate feeling inhuman because of the hours I work. My relationship has me walking in eggshells. Everytime we argue, I’m terrified that he will either break up with me or do something that would make me want to break up with him.

I need a new job. But since I dropped out of college, my choice of jobs are limited. I can get help from the state but then I’ll have to stop paying some bills and ruin my credit score that I’ve worked so hard to get back up. I need a job that pays way more than minimum wage and has a chance for overtime if necessary. I should also consider ending my relationship. Walking on eggshells shouldn’t be a part of my relationship. I shouldn’t always be stressed about us. He should be my safe haven. My place of love and trust. But he’s not always that for me. He can be that but he doesn’t always try and I don’t always accept it.

I know that relationships aren’t easy and they take a lot of work, but this is becoming too much. It’s been too much. I can tell he’s feeling it too. He won’t say it though. He will just act out and push me away. It’s his mo. He doesn’t know how to be alone. I do. I’m ok with being alone. I’d just rather have someone by my side. I just wish he would want to be by my side.

At the end of the day, I know I have some big choices to make. Choices that scare the shit out of me. Choices that I wish I didn’t have to make.

Sometimes we get busy

My oldest(D) is staying with his dad for a few days while I have my youngest(J). D and J have been fighting non stop all week. So we decided it’d be best to give them a break. J is 8 but still needs a lot of attention. He loves to interact with me. Loves to read, do puzzles and play make believe. I love that he still wants to do these things with me. He’s my baby and I know the day is coming that he won’t want to do these things.

Today my bf had a rough day. He needed to talk to me. We were texting and he was telling me what was going on. I couldn’t respond for a few minutes because J hurt himself. So I had to check on him and calm him down. I was gone maybe 3 minutes, if that. By the time I got back to my phone to text him back, he had already responded “thanks for the talk” being sarcastic. I apologized and said I had to deal with J. He said it’s fine, he will be ok and deal with it. I said I’m here now. But he wouldn’t talk to me anymore about it. I pretty much told him he’s being childish. That I just had to step away for a few minutes. I get that he needed me, but we have a rule. Kids come first. So it’s frustrating that he’s acting this way. It’s frustrating that he’s now not talking to me at all.

We are supposed to be grown. We are supposed to be breaking old habits and communicating better with each other. This is not communicating. This is being childish. I have my kids pretty much full time. He doesn’t. He gets his kids every other weekend. My kids are kids. They still play and use their imagination and want to interact with me. His kids are mini adults even though they are the same age as mine. We’ve raised our kids very differently. So we do butt heads on how things should be done. So even after 3 years, he still gets upset with me when my kids need my attention more. We’ve had this argument so many times. It’s old. I’m over it.

My child was hurt. It’s not like I walked away from the conversation to watch TV or play a game on my phone. My child needed me. My bf needed me. I went back to our conversation as soon as I could. And it still wasn’t enough. I just don’t know what else I can do. I don’t know what more I can do. I think a lot that he wishes I didn’t have kids so that my attention can fully be on him. No distractions. He knew I had kids from day one. He knew that I had them full time and they came first. I just wish he would grow up and stop being so childish. I shouldn’t have to apologise for taking care of my kids. I shouldn’t have to feel bad about putting them first. I shouldn’t have to worry about how that makes him feel. He’s a dad. He puts his kids first all the time. That’s how it should be. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just wish things were different with us. I wish I didn’t have to have these conversations and worries. I wish things were different.