It’s been a year and covid is still fucking up everything. My boys are both in martial arts. They are testing for their first belts later this month. I don’t get to go. No spectators. Their dad will be there though because he is testing as well. The boys also have some boy scout events coming up that I can’t go to as well. They’re only allowing one parent to attend. Their dad said he’s going to both, so I can’t go. Didn’t even ask if I wanted to go to either of them. So I’m going to miss their pinewood derby and their blue and gold ceremony. I haven’t missed one since they started years ago. I don’t even know what to say or how to feel. Lies, I do know how I feel. I feel like less of a parent because I’m not there supporting them. I’m feel like I’m not important enough as their mom to be there. I feel like my rights as a parent are being stripped away and there’s nothing I can do to stop any of it. Because if I put up a fight, I risk my boys being kicked out of these activities and that would devastate them.
So I’m stuck being less of a parent. Sitting on the sidelines hoping to hear how it goes. Hoping my boys know that I want to be there cheering them on. Hoping my boys know that I didn’t have a choice but to not be there. That I wasn’t given a choice. It was taken from me. Everything is being taken from me. 2021 is just as bad if not worse than 2020.
I follow different poetry and quote pages because I like to get lost in my thoughts. I tend to get lost a lot on instagram. Some nights though, it’s like instagram knows exactly what is on my mind and heart. And tonight it most definitely did.
The first quote, rings so very true. He was the one who chased after me. I knew who he was, but I wasn’t interested at first because I wanted more time to myself after my divorce. It had only been a year when we first met and I knew I wasn’t ready. I told him I wasn’t. I told him I had a lot of shit to deal with. But he didn’t listen or didn’t care. He still pursued. And yet he acts butt hurt and takes it out on me when he realizes that I was right. And instead of ending things with me like a grown ass adult, he lies, flirts and cheats. Your typical narcissistic behavior.
The 2nd pic, it describes my heart fully. I’m the one that always ends up hurt. I’m the one that always ends up shattered while he’s completely content with his horrible behavior. He continues to do whatever makes him happy no matter the cost to me. He likes to say that he’s trying and he’s changing. But he’s still doing some of the same shit as before. And yet I’m supposed to love and trust him? I wish I could say I hate him, but I don’t. I hate myself more. I blame myself even when I should be blaming him.
I kept my texts minimal this weekend to him. I focused on my kids and not our issues. It was great. We’re off with eachother right now and I don’t know where to go from here with him. We’re supposed to be moving forward. Supposed to be getting excited about buying a house together. But that’s not happening. There’s no excitement. There’s distrust, anger, words full of hate.
So this weekend I kept it minimal so I could enjoy my free time with my boys. Enjoy the little moments with them. I couldn’t have asked for a better time with them. We laughed and played and they got along with eachother for the most part. He would text and I would respond an hour or so later. But not much was said. Just enough to answer a question or respond appropriately.
I don’t know how he feels about the minimal contact. I won’t ask either because I needed to do it for me. I needed some time. I still need time though. I wanted to stay at my place tonight, but I came to his instead. Because that’s our schedule. I don’t know what’s going to happen with us. I don’t know what our future holds. I don’t know what I want our future to hold. I don’t know if I want a future with him.
So today we got into it again about my apartment. Apparently I’m still not cleaning up to his par. So much so, he’s not sure how we are going to love together. He’s ocd. Extremely. About his cleaning. I am not. Toys are in the living room, some discarded clothes from J when he strips as soon as he walks in the door from school. To the bf, that’s completely unacceptable. Toys don’t belong in the living room. They belong in their bedrooms only. The clothes, well I should either discipline him for leaving his clothes around or pick up after him better.
I’m not like him. I don’t spend every waking hour ensuring that everything is where it belongs. I’m more relaxed when it comes to cleaning. Always have been. I want my boys to feel comfortable in our home. I want our home to feel like a home. Not a museum. I feel like my cleaning will never be up to par for the bf. It will never be enough. It will always be a fight. And I’m over it. Why can’t he just relax some? I’m not asking to let everything go to shit. I’m just asking for him to relax some. But I know I’m asking for too much. I’m always asking for too much.
I’ve always asked too much of him. Even though to me it doesn’t seem that way. But to him? It’s too much. To him, only his way works. It’s always been that way and yet I sit here wondering why he won’t change. I keep expecting change from someone who is incapable of that and that’s on me. I’m the one that’s going to have to change if I want to stay with him. No matter how miserable it makes me. I’m going to have to change. Turn into someone I am not and someone that won’t make me happy. But I’ve done this before. I can do again. I can change. I can be molded into the person he wants. My bad, he doesn’t won’t just me. He will just tolerate me being in his space as long as I do whatever it is that makes him happy. I can do it. Might have to go back on meds to help me stay numb to it all. But I can do it. Numb.
I’ve completely shut down with him. No feelings, no jokes, no curling up with him constantly. Me being upset, hurt, needy is trivial bullshit he doesn’t have time for. So I shit down. No feelings. No showing how I feel and being open. It’s so incredibly easy to do, it’s kinda scary. I have no idea if he noticed. Not really sure I care if he did. He wanted me to be more open about my feelings and talk to him when things are bothering me. That’s what I’ve been doing over the last 8 months or so. Well they got thrown into my face this week. It’s trivial bullshit that he doesn’t have time for.
What he does have time for? The new whore he’s been talking to. Asking about her day. Telling her to text him later to tell him all about it. My day though? Doesn’t matter. He doesn’t care. No point in pretending like he does. How can I love someone so much who doesn’t love me? How? And why? He’s always been this way. He never changed. He tried, as far as I know. But he didn’t like the change and went back to his old ways of lying and cheating and flirting.
I spent 10 years in a marriage like this. Am I going to do this to myself again? And if so, why? Why do I hate myself so much that I continue to be with someone who shows me constantly that I’m not worth his time? Why do I hate myself? Why can’t I just let him go and move on? Because I love him? What kind of sick love is this?
I’m currently in the living room writing this and he’s in bed texting his new whore. Normally he would do everything he could to get me to join him in bed. Not tonight. He needed alone time with her. And of course I didn’t fight it. I let him go. I’m tired of fighting for him. I’m tired of being the only one fighting for this. It’s exhausting. I can’t possibly handle all the emotions that come with this. So I’ve shut down. Become numb. Place a fake smile on my face. Try to keep the conversation going. Be pleasant. But numb. Numb inside and out.
My hours got cut at work drastically. Less than half of what I was working because our census is down. So since I’ve been working less, I don’t have money for all my bills. I’ve been looking for another job since this happened and haven’t gotten a new one yet. The bf has helped me pay some of my bills. I didn’t ask, he offered. Tonight he tells me I need to try harder at getting more hours because he isn’t my sugar daddy. Really? I never asked for the money. I just wasn’t going to pay some bills til I had the money. He offered and now he’s throwing it in my face. I can’t wait for my tax return to come in so I can pay him back every cent. I will never accept money from again. I will never accept any help from him again. I wont be made to feel like shit. I’d rather struggle and go without than to have him treat me the way he did tonight. Fuck him.
On a side note, I have an interview later in the morning with an agency. I hope it goes well.
So we’ve been together since June of last year. Trying to make it work again. He knows what I expect of him and what changes he needed to make in order for me to trust and love him again. I didn’t think I was asking for much. No lying, flirting, cheating, honesty. But it seems it’s his go to. He knows no other way. Lying about instagram accounts but turning it around on me about no trust. Flirting with women while I’m in the other room sleeping. Deleting texts, internet history. Staying logged off social media accounts so I can’t check on him. Why log off if you’ve got nothing to hide?
At what point do I give up? At what point do I realize that this is just how he is? We’re in the process of buying a house together. That means I have to give up my apartment. That should be an exciting thing for me considering that having my own place is crippling me because I can’t afford it. It should excite me because that means we will be under one roof, a family. But it doesn’t. I’m scared. My apartment is my safety net. I have nowhere to go if he continues to fuck up. I have nowhere to hide if he fucks up. Why does he have to be this way?
Why can’t I be enough for him? Why do I always feel like I have to fight for his attention and honesty? Just once I’d love to go to bed with no thoughts of him cheating on me. But yet I feel like I have no right to be upset since I keep going back to him. He’s always shown his true colors. This is who he is. A liar, a cheater, a manipulator. He isn’t hiding who he is. I’m just trying to make him change and he’s just not capable of that because he isn’t capable of love.
Those words will stay with me for awhile. I wish I could just forget them, but I can’t. They hurt. But he doesn’t see it that way. He was just joking and I was being sensitive. Doesn’t matter if I was being sensitive. It still hurts.
This week just doesn’t seem to end. My depression and anxiety is high. I haven’t been eating, so my anorexia is showing it’s face again instead of just hiding in the shadows. My obsessiveness is back this week and I feel like it’s completely out of control. More of my residents are popping positive for covid. My Grandma being one of them. The last 24 hours I’ve eaten more than I’ve had all week put together. And I can’t keep checking my bf’s electronics. It’s a need. Everytime I wake up, I hurry up and try to get dressed and downstairs before he wakes so I can check his tablet and laptop. It’s all I think about. I trust him for the most part. But he triggered me this week by buying a new laptop and not telling me that he did. And therefore he didn’t tell me the password to get on it. But thankfully he has a spreadsheet on his tablet with all his passwords, so I’m able to get on it anyways.
He got rid of instagram on his phone, but logs onto it on his laptop. Of course he’s looking at all the hot girls, which is fine. We all have our own version of porn. I just hope he’s not messaging anyone. I pray he’s not falling back into old habits, but he lied and cheated for 4 years of our relationship. That’s a hard habit to break. I told him he triggered my obsessiveness, but he didn’t ask what he did to trigger it. That bothers me. Like wouldn’t he want to know what he did so he can prevent that from happening again? Doesn’t he want to make me feel comfortable and safe in this relationship to prevent us from failing again? It just doesn’t make sense to me. But I’m trying not to question it too much. I’m trying not to let it bother me but it does. It hurts that he doesn’t seem to care that he triggered me.
My anorexia snuck up on me like a fucking ninja. Out of nowhere, I just stopped eating. My appetite disappeared and I don’t have a need to eat. I’m not feeling hungry at all. And it was so easy to fall back into my anorexia. It’s second nature for me. I talked to my bf about it and he’s worried. I’ve only lost a few pounds, but I’m worried too. I’ve gotten to a healthy weight and I don’t want to fuck it up but yet I can’t find the will to eat. I know my work schedule has been fucking crazy, but I’m gonna kill myself by not eating with the hours I’m working. I need the hours. This time of the year sucks for me. My boys birthdays, christmas. My oldest is getting braces in a week. I can’t afford not to work the hours I am. So I can’t get sick from my anorexia. But yet I can’t eat. It’s so easy not to and so hard to eat. It’s my secret hell.
Work has been so fucking crazy. More and more residents are getting covid. Our designated covid unit is full, so we have to make another one. Staff is dropping like flies with covid as well. But they’re making us work even if we have covid as long as we don’t have any symptoms. We have to work the covid unit though if we have it. We just don’t have the staff to allow them to stay home for 14 days. We’ve got a crisis team in finally helping us with being short staffed. But it’s not enough. We’re running out of supplies that we need to keep our residents comfortable. We are out of concentrators, oxygen tubing, face masks for the oxygen tubing for our mouth breathers. We just don’t have the supplies. We aren’t tired and burnt out and hurting physically and mentally. This pandemic is taking a huge toll on our mental health and I’m not sure work even gives a fuck.
I need a break. I need time to regroup. I need time to heal. I need time with my kids. But I’m not able to do any of that. My boys are staying with their dad right now. My parents can’t watch my boys while there is so much covid in my building. I can’t risk passing it to them. So the last few weeks, ive barely spent any time with them. It’s killing me. I don’t know how to not be with them. I don’t know how to function without being their mom. I’ve lost a big part of who I am and I don’t see the end of the tunnel for this. This could go on for weeks. I don’t know what to do. My boys arey life and I have to figure out how to deal with this. My boys are my life and they are currently not a part of mine right now. I call them and talk to them, but it’s not the same. I miss my boys. I miss my old life. I need normalcy back. But it’s never going to be the same after this. Nothing will ever be the same.
Is it possible to feel everything and be numb at the same time? Because that’s where I’m at right now. My facility got hit hard with covid in 24 hours. We went from no residents positive to 11 overnight. Back in March when this all started, we had a plan in place. All covids would go to another facility that has the equipment and staff to take care of them. We don’t have either. So now we turned one floor into the covid zone that is blocked off with tarp from the yellow zone which is the whole building. We’ve had some staff get covid, but we’ve been incredibly blessed with keeping it away from our residents.
It was a madhouse trying to move everyone around to accommodate this new covid zone and it was all hands on deck. My floor alone got 8 new residents to make room for the covid zone. They’re scared and irritated and don’t fully understand what’s going on. I get that. I’m scared too. I know what happens when the elderly get covid. Most don’t make it. I’m going to be saying goodbye a lot over the next few weeks and it breaks my heart. It’s not going to be easy. Im going to be numb for awhile. These residents are my family. They haven’t seen there own family since March. We are all they have. I’m not mentally ready for this.